Miracle Cure
One thing I'm sure we're all agreed upon:
Selling something for $6.95 isn't much — until you start multiplying it by millions of sales.
As you read the following, keep in mind that we're dealing with the two largest groups of gullible people in the history of humankind; little old ladies and children. The first two products are aimed at the elderly bunch, then later we'll snooker the kids.
A TV commercial to be aired in the middle of the day on a religious channel:
The scene opens with a sweet grandmother knitting on the sofa, surrounded by pictures of her loving grandchildren and a few religious figurines. Soft, reverent music plays in the background. The setting is pure and pristine.
Suddenly…
"ding-dong!"
"Oh, I wonder who that could be?"
(Opens door to find rough, crude, unshaven dockworker-type deliveryman)
"Mornin', lady." (wipes nose drool with back of hand) "Gotta package for ya."
(hands over package)
(In the following, the swear words are bleeped over, but we've got a pretty good idea what he's saying)
"Damn, if it ain't hot out today! Christ, what an oven this Hellhole is!"
(close-up of grandmother's face as she recoils from his coarse, blasphemous language)
(signs for package)
"Thanks, lady. Damn, it's hot today! I'd stay the Hell inside if I wuz you!"
The grandmother closes the door and appears somewhat flustered as the profanity lingers in the room. We know it's still lingering in the room because the music is telling us so. The purity and sanctity of these hallowed halls has been sullied, tarnished, vilified, demonized.
Suddenly, her eyes light up as she remembers her 'secret weapon'. On one of the tables, mixed in with the photos, is a can of Profane-Away. She sprays the air freshener around the room, gives the doorway an extra shot, takes a few sniffs, smiles and relaxes.
She sits back down on the sofa, puts the can of Profane-Away next to her on the table and picks up her knitting. She smiles again and gently rocks her head back and forth to a song she's humming. The music is telling us that all is right in the world again. The room has been purified from the foul, sinful ravages of the vulgar man.
The music swells and begins to fade. The camera pulls over to the side table, with the pictures of the loving grandchildren in the background and the can of Profane-Away symbolically in front, guarding both them… and you… from the perils of evil.
Profane-Away.
You've got a friend.
(fade to black)
Say the words out loud:
"Profane-Away!"
Say it once and you'll never forget it.
Now in six delightful scents! This would be the lilac, lavender bunch; the classic 'old lady' scents.
The factory actually gears up to market two different products at the same time, each from a 'completing' company. A week after Profane-Away hits the scene, along comes…
Blaspheme-B-Gone!
Say it out loud:
"Blaspheme-B-Gone!"
Say it once and you'll never forget it.
Now in six delightful scents! These would be the 'natural' scents, like pine, lemon, mint, etc.
The two companies lock horns and battle for air time. The religious viewers are inundated. The message is, if you don't have at least one of these products nearby, you are unprotected, girl!
Don't delay! Buy one — or the other — today!
So now we've got millions of little old ladies reaching for their credit cards to buy this revolutionary new product that will purify their homes with the simple push of a button. No home is safe without it!
What price, religious sanctity?
What price, peace of mind?
What price, purity?
The advertising campaign would be merciless. We'd prey upon every fear in the book.
shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh…
"A spray a day keeps the devil away."
shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh…
"Use it once an hour for complete protection!"
shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh…
"Now in a NEW time-release aerosol for overnight protection!"
The possibilities for catchy slogans, logos, picture captions, etc, are endless.
"ding-dong!"
"Oh, now who could that be?"
(opens door to find mailman)
"Good afternoon, Ma'am. Got a package here for ya…and here's your other mail."
You thank the nice mailman and bring the stack of mail into the house. The camera looks over your shoulder as you sort through the pile:
"A HELL OF A DEAL!", flyer, Big Ed's Chevrolet
"BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD", TV Guide promo
"HOW TO SEDUCE ANYONE!", Victoria's Secrets catalog
"'THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES' NOW PLAYING AT ORPHEUM THEATRE", grocery store handout
"MARTIANS RAPE DOG IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!", Star Gazette
"I SAID, IT'S A HELL OF A DEAL!!", flyer, Al Grover's Ford
You dump the whole lot into the waste basket with a "Hmph!", give it a good shot of Profane-Away, give the room a quick shot as long as you have it out, then happily go about your business.
Profane-Away.
Spray the ugliness away.
Okay, so you want to move from the religious channel to something a little more mainstream? How about the Lifetime Channel? Progressive, modern, liberal, feminist? Perfect.
Birds twittering in the background, like it's early morning. Bare female arms and legs stretching in bed, some slight groans. Your first impression is that she's just waking up.
Close-ups of her face and starry, dreamy eyes and you start to think that, uh, maybe she's not just waking up. Actually, she looks quite awake — just somewhat starry-eyed and dreamy. Obviously, a very relaxed and satisfied woman.
You hear the bathroom faucet in the background. More sinuous, cat-like stretching, then a camera shot out the window and you realize it's mid-morning. Some framed photographs on the bedside table indicate she's the lady of the house, hubby's at work and the kids are in school. A screen door is heard closing in the background as the pool boy,
is seen returning to work.
The woman gets up and looks a little flustered until she spots her can of Blaspheme-B-Gone and gives the room a quick spray. She sniffs delightedly and all is well in the world. We know it is, because the music is doing a superb job of telling us so.
Got guilt? Just spray your sins away.
Blaspheme-B-Gone.
It'll just be our little secret.
The spray cans would arrive from the distributor ready to go, only missing the label. All the factory would be doing would be slapping labels on cans, dealing with orders and packing boxes.
And once Profane-Away and Blaspheme-B-Gone are underway…
Saturday morning commercial, popular kid's TV show:
"Good night, Jimmy."
"Good night, Mom and Dad."
The room quiets down.
Suddenly, a mysterious creak from the closet! Could be monsters!!
"Da-aa-aad!"
"Yes, son?"
"We forgot the Monster-B-Gone! I think there's a monster in the closet!"
"No problem, son!"
(takes can of Monster-B-Gone from dresser top)
shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh…
"There we go! All safe for another night!"
"Thanks, Dad! Good night!"
(music fades to dreamland)
Of course, little Jimmy will probably have to use some more Monster-B-Gone tomorrow night, should the monsters return. The product does have its limitations, after all. As the label clearly states:
Guaranteed to get rid of all room and closet monsters for up to 24 hours
A likely question to pop up at this point is, just how many millions of kids are there, anyway?
How much is 'that many kids' times $6.95?
How many of them don't want monsters to get them at night?
Do you?
What's that? These numbers are kind of 'tame' by your standards and only represent millions of dollars worth of sales?
Okay, what happens when Toys 'R Us picks it up?
Major franchise deal, worth an ungodly amount. And this would be just the kind of product Toys 'R Us would eat up. Unique, every kid'll want one, doesn't take up much shelf space, low cost… and it's a fun idea, to boot. Remember, this isn't just an improved model of something already out there, this is a whole new genre of toy, a whole new concept.
Monster Prohibitors, Aisle 23
Say, did I mention that Monster-B-Gone is now available it six delightful scents?
In this case, we'd give the scents kooky names, like "Camouflage", "Fuzzbrain", "Alien Breath", etc. Something to appeal to kids. As far as what actual scents to use, you'd have to look at the catalog. Pick six for Profane-Away, six for Blaspheme-B-Gone, then give the kids six of whatever's left over.
If you really want to do it right, order one can of everything in the catalog and then go set up a card table in front of a supermarket and hold smell tests for both young and old alike.
As far as giving Monster-B-Gone competition, like with the religious scents, it's a tough call. You could either let the Profane-Away company come out with direct competition, or a parallel product like Orc-Away, which gets rid of orcs, trolls and goblins. Or you could do nothing and let some other company give you a battle, just for the fun of it.
"Dad, are you sure you sprayed enough? You missed under the bed!"
"Hold on, son…"
shsh-shsh-shsh-shsh…
"There we go! Good night, son!"
"Good night, Dad!"
Stock up now so you don't run out!
Marketed correctly, these three items have the potential for multi-million-dollar sales. When you hear the expression, "Find a niche and fill it," I give you Exhibit A. Here's a nice, simple, cheap, commonly available product, so setup costs would be minimal, but with a whole new approach. Convince a bunch of God-fearing little old ladies they need a can of Profane-Away around to live pure, righteous lives, and convince a bunch of eager-to-be-convinced kids that Monster-B-Gone is the answer to all of their monster problems, real or imagined, and who knows what might happen?
In fact, that would make a good logo:
Monster-B-Gone
For All Your Monster Problems
Real or imagined
The capital outlay wouldn't have to be very great. The only piece of machinery you'd need would be the labeling machine. (I suppose it could be done by hand, using some kind of jig, but it sounds kinda sticky and messy.) Get the labels printed up, slap 'em on the cans, get 'em boxed up and there ya go. Most of the money would be spent on television advertising.
I'm picturing the two religious products as taking a slightly different slant with their advertising approach. Profane-Away would basically live up to its name and concentrate on getting rid of profanities spoken in the now-sullied air, or situations like the filthy mail and waste basket. The Blaspheme-B-Gone commercials might focus more on the repulsive, sordid moments of life.
Your daughter and her husband are arguing in the kitchen. You frown as you miss a stitch and you're frustrated because you just can't pay attention with all that racket going on. Still arguing, they walk outside, get in the car and drive away.
Peace settles over the valley.
You stand up, pick up a can of Blaspheme-B-Gone and give the kitchen a good spray, basically wiping out the entire memory of the ugly argument. At least, that's what the music just implied.
Blaspheme-B-Gone.
Spray those bad memories away
Now it's those unruly grandkids of yours! You love the little imps, but dang if they ain't the dickens! The unruly grandkids run through the house, yelling and screaming, then finally head outside and down the block. The serene music has turned loud and raucous.
You grab a can of Blaspheme-B-Gone, give the room a good spray, the music calms down and you settle back to your knitting. You sniff the air and smile approvingly.
"Ah-hh," you contentedly sigh out loud.
"Home, sweet home."
Blaspheme-B-Gone.
Out with the bad, in with the good
The one big hitch would be advertising costs. In order for it to take off, the word's going to have to get out there, although I suppose the 'saving grace' is that religious channels probably charge far less than average.
On the other hand, a 'grass roots' campaign and limited budget might yield enough results that money (borrowed or made) can be pumped into more advertising, and it might eventually reach the national stage.
And every product needs an official endorsement, of course. For Profane-Away and Blaspheme-B-Gone, you'd get the American Council of Churches to endorse it, or just make up your own official-sounding name. "Approved by the International Board Of Spiritual Purification".
For Monster-B-Gone, it would be "Approved by the Society For The Prevention of Cruelty To Monsters". Add to the label:
Clinically proven to produce no harmful side effects in monsters
It's the New Sensitivity, folks.
And the whole concept of not killing off the monsters (they're just misunderstood, after all) is brilliant, in that it implies that, yes, they might very well be back the next night. Better buy two cans while you're there!
If you found some gung-ho sales manager, all three products might be in Wal-Mart within the year.
Monster-B-Gone.
Fighting evil, one monster at a time.
Profane-Away
Because life isn't perfect.
Blaspheme-B-Gone
Now in the new purse-sized compact spray!
They say, "Find a niche and fill it," and I think all three of these products would fill a heretofore unexploited niche quite nicely. There are millions and millions of little old ladies out there who would like a little extra help in their fight against the ever-increasing tide of vulgarity, and the kids would find it a hoot in their own personal battles against monsters — both real and imagined.
Summation? There are 100 million people out there who are dying for these products. They just don't know it yet.
What more could an enterprising entrepreneur want?