How To Get Into Guinness

Here's how you could not only get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but establish an incredibly prestigious record that will never be broken:

The tallest mountain ever climbed!

Everest, right?  Not even close.  Everest is a paltry 29,029 feet high.

Mauna Kea in Hawaii is almost 35,000.

Well, if you count that pesky 'ocean' stuff:

The thing is, they do.  Guinness would have to accept it.

See, it's officially recognized that Mauna Kea weighs in at about 34,600 feet.  That is, it actually is a 'mountain' by designation, in that it slopes straight down until it suddenly flattens out on level ground.  It's just that we use sea level measurements here in the normal world, and correctly so.  When we say the peak of Everest is at the top of the world, that's true.

But as far as definitions go, Mauna Kea counts as a mountain.

The tallest mountain ever climbed!

To actually accomplish this goal is fairly straightforward:

First, get $250,000.

Next, hire a deep submersible and bring it down to the ocean floor at the base of the mountain.

Clamp a pickaxe in one of the machine's claws to symbolize the climb…

…then start heading toward shore, occasionally digging the pickaxe into the ground with the mechanical claw.

When you get up to 2,000 feet below sea level, switch to a Navy atmospheric diving system.

Unless you'd prefer the cheaper model, of course.

Pickaxe firmly in hand, head toward the distant peak.

When you get up to 130 feet, switch to deep sea scuba gear and Nitrox tanks.

NOT an item to buy at the Dollar Store

When you get up to 60 feet, switch to regular gear.

And then, finally, dry land.

That was the easy part.

Once you reach dry land is when the real danger begins.  From the moment you first set foot upon the shore, the angry villagers will stand in your way as they attempt to bar you from walking upon their sacred soil.

You'll see wild, unexplained tribal rituals as they try to drive the evil spirits away.

An ancient crone will cast a horrible spell upon you.

Fierce native warriors will block your path.

But be strong!  Be resolute!  Don't lose focus!  Keep your gaze straight ahead!

And, whatever you do, don't lose the damn pickaxe!

And then…

…and then head for a record that will stand until the end of time.