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|FORT BAXTER, AL (UPI)
The U.S. Army today unveiled its latest weapon in the war on terror. "With this new hands-free double-barreled machine gun, we believe we'll see a quick turnaround in Afghanistan," said Gen. Burton Sanders. "And I'd point out that 'double-barreled' has a double meaning here, as not only will our brave soldiers sport two blazing barrels, but the matching uniform is guaranteed to strike fear into any jihadist's heart."
Local recruitment centers, however, were not so optimistic. "These are difficult weapons to control," said Sgt. Jim Walker, "and the accompanying uniform doesn't fit just anybody." When confronted with these charges, General Sanders merely scoffed, "They're just not recruiting in the right places."
The main benefit of the new weapon system is its ability to be reloaded quickly. "Because of the unique design, all I have to do is grab the clips and shove 'em in the guns," said Lt. Steffi Germanotta (pictured), the first enlisted soldier on the base to master the new weaponry. "The hands-free firing mechanisms are triggered from different points."